Is Tomorrow a Better Day?

Sometimes, I wish I was still a kid. Life was so easy back then.

Sometimes, I want to be that little girl again:

Me circa 1986

I'm feeling very nostalgic right now...

Life is good but it could be better.

But I feel that I can't complain because I know that some people may envy me for all the things I have. 

But sometimes it's hard to appreciate all the things I have because I'm worried about my future. I do have a university degree but right now, it doesn't guarantee me a job at all. 

My master degree will not help either, I think. I feel very very very insecure right now.

We moved km away because the boyfriend got a job, after months of being unemployed (almost a year). I didn't want to move but we didn't really have the choice, he could not find a job in Québec city (well, in fact, he could have find one, he turned down an offer) and his unemployment benefits were ending.

He has been working at his new job for 6 months now. And he doesn't like it. At all. Day after day, he tells me that his job is boring. It makes me mad. Really really mad. Because of all the sacrifices I made for him, because he asked me to do so. I'm mad because he quit his job last year to travel around Asia and that he told me to not be worried, that he would easily find a job in Québec city when he would be back (you can see that he didn't. Because he was picky, in fact, this is why.). If he had not quit his job, we would still be living in Québec city, I think. I'm mad because I moved back there for him. I was not happy to have to move, I was less than thrilled because I liked so much living in Qc city. And I can't find a job here, in our small hometown, right now. I don't like running into someone I know here and got questioned, and having to tell the person that I don't have a big girl job yet, despite my university degree. I'm mad because here, people who don't have a higher education make big money. It's so frustrating because I spent thousands of dollars to get an education. I'm mad because in 2 weeks, I will have to leave for Montréal (I will be living at my sister's apartment) to complete a work contract for 5 weeks and I don't like being in a distance relationship (we did that for years already, I had enough!). I need the money, so I have to go. It's a job I love to do (marking college dissertations), but the distance is killing me.

I'm mad because he is well paid and still, our expenses are almost 50/50. I told him what I thought about me paying the same amount of money for rent, food, and he doesn't want to pay more than he already does, he doesn't want to help me out, can you imagine?! He didn't say exactly that he didn't want at all, but it sounded a lot like that. He seemed really reticent about that. I'm not a princess, I don't want him to pay everything, just to help me out for a couple of months, you see. He sees that I struggle a lot these days, with my thesis, adjusting to our new life, etc, but he doesn't seem to want to help me with the money aspect and that help would be a big relief for me. He should be the one proposing that help. This is probably the reason why I'm so mad right now. I'm mad because I can't do all the things we would like to do together, like traveling. He wants to make big plans, but I can't because of my money issues. I have students loans and he doesn't (he was debt free when he graduated, seriously). 

I'm mad because I've always been there for him, I've always been the comprehensive girlfriend. And he knows it, maybe too well.  

I love him. He loves me, I know that. I really do.

But something is wrong. 

I know that money has and will always be a delicate subject in a relationship but I never thought that it would apply to mine. I'm really mad, what else can I say?!?
I know that I should talk to him again about that subject, to make things clear.

I'm a mess right now because I'm hurt, because I have so much on my mind. Like I have been trying to finish my thesis for months now and I don't see the end of it. I just keep telling to myself that having a master degree will change nothing, so why should I continue to write it? The answer is that I'm proud, my master degree cost me thousands of dollars, I don't want that money to be wasted like that, no way! So I will continue to write it, I will finish it. By summer. 

I feel better now that I have written all that stuff.
But I'm still hurt.